no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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