I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
