I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
