put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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