I can tuck mytits in my pants
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
