Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
