I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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