I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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