this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
