Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
