I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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