Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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