About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize