My Higher Power is John Stamos
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
