Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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