Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
