is your mom at the bar?
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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