I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
