I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
