The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
