just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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