I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
