he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
