I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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