I feel great
I just peed on a car
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize