Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
