i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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