what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
