This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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