Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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