i don't like sucking hair
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
