I puked a lego.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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