I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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