i would punch a child for taco bell
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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