Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
