I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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