Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
