I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
