Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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