We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize