There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize