just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
