Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
