my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
