if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
