tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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