I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
