New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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