I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
