dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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