You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
