You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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