My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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