Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
