I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
